It’s been a couple of months since I made my first post.

Not much has changed. We are still apart and still figuring out the next steps. However, we are in a transitional period.

We found a house and are in the process of buying it. I am on the hunt for a job in the area and will need one soon since I will be unemployed come November. I’ve put in many applications and even had a few interviews but no job offers yet.

Which brings me to the point of this post. I have worked in a day care for four years now. I never planned for that to be my career. I just fell into it after college because I was desperate for a job and had experience with children. You might not believe it but I had trouble finding a job that required a degree in English (not the subtle hints of sarcasm).

I enjoy working with kids and day care work has its perks but if you have never worked full time with children then you don’t know how exhausting they can be. I know it can be significant work but it often feels like glorified babysitting. I’ve heard people’s tones change when I say I’m a “teacher” at a day care. Trust me, they don’t view it as being as important as an “actual” educator.

My other problem is that I don’t need my Bachelor’s degree in English for it. I feel like a failure and hate myself for wasting my parents’ money. While I enjoyed my college experience (hello, I met my husband there) and am beyond grateful for my higher education, it feels like a waste. My parents are in greater debt because of me and I can’t ever repay them for it.

I want desperately to make them happy. To put my hard earned degree to use but I can’t seem to get on a path to do so. I picked the major I did because I enjoy reading and writing. I went into college thinking that I would have plenty of job options by getting this degree.

I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do with my life and I tried to figure it out so I could go to college. From the time I was little, all I really wanted was to be a mom. But I can’t make a living being a stay at home mom and like my day care job, people would look down on me for that being my only ambition. A second reason was I never had a boyfriend of any kind until I met my husband right before college graduation so having a kid wasn’t even an option.

Now I’m struggling to even become a mother. I’m starting to feel burnt out taking care of other people’s kids all the time. I want to put my degree to use; I want to feel important. But I’m here again, trying to change my career and failing.

I’m lost and anxious. I’m trying to trust God as I walk down this unknown path; that He will lead me to a place where I will make a difference and feel whole. All I can do is put in applications and pray.

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My life lately has been difficult, stressful and disappointing. It all started in September of 2018. My husband and I decided we would start our family while we were preparing to up root our life in Ohio so he could join the military. He was set to leave for basic training in November.

Then a mistake was made at work and my husband got suspended. We powered through it and just focused on the future we were going to have with the military.

In October, we said farewell to the place we were leaving and moved in with my parents so I wouldn’t be alone while he was gone. When the day came for him to leave, he was sick and they told him he couldn’t leave. So we patiently waited for his infection for clear up and them to give me a new leave date.

During this time, I got lice. For the first time ever. It is NOT a fun thing to deal with. And after everything else that had been going on in my life, it felt like a low blow. Could things get any worse?

Now he was set to leave in March. We were excited again. Maybe this was a way for us to spend the holidays together. Maybe this is why we hadn’t conceived a child yet. Then another turn of events. They contacted him and decided he would be leaving much sooner.

Once again, the day came. Everything was set. He wasn’t sick. I was going to get off work early and take him where he needed to go. I looked at my phone and saw a text from him. All it said was “I’m in trouble.” Turns out he fell on the basement stairs. Both knees were badly bruised and he had trouble moving.

I wasn’t happy with him at this point. It felt like he was purposely sabotaging our plans. This was probably the toughest thing our marriage had faced. Although we worked it out, the military decided they were done with him. All our plans came crashing down. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. What were we going to do?

We stayed with my parents while he tried to find a job close by. During this time, we got a puppy. Thanks to the kindness of my parents. After months of trying and completely draining our finances, he went back to his old job. But he did have a lead on a job outside Ohio, which led us to live in separate places. I stayed at my parents house and he went to live with his.

At this point, it’s been months since we started trying to conceive. Each month became more difficult and hurt each time my period showed up. But I reminded myself it was normal to not get pregnant right away. It could sometimes take a year.

It is now August of 2019. Almost a full year since everything started falling apart. We still haven’t conceived. And we’re still living in different places. We have the hope still of his out of state opportunity. But life hasn’t been easy. We’ve tried my being patient but our patience is growing thin.

I’ve found myself crankier and less patient with people. So much so that I recently lost a friend over a stupid comment. I rarely have anyone look in on me and feel alone most of the time. I miss my husband and we can’t to be living in the same house. I’m tired and fearful to get my hopes too high even when it looks like everything will work out.

It’s been the longest, hardest year of my life. I hope and pray that I am stronger for it. Maybe things will finally start to turn around. Maybe this seemingly never-ending year will in fact come to an end.